It is in my upbringing that I learned to be an Independent, ala-Destiny’s Child survivor woman. Having lived life surrounded by strong women – grandma’s, my mom, cousins and aunts, who survived raising their children without meager support from their ex-husbands, I became someone whose life’s execrable feebleness falls short of romantic relationships to survive. I had my heart broken couple of times and had moments of verging on emotional breakdowns but, I come out of it better and even stronger. Brokenness brings out that inner strength any extreme feminist would be proud of, in fact, I feed on it – on brokenness, loneliness and pain. Those times bring the best in me. That kind of pain makes me appreciate life more, it makes me feel even more alive. But now that I am married, things has slightly changed.
If I used to be that type of girl whose life emerges better without any emotional attachments to some guy, I am not that anymore. At times, I feel a clash coming between my upbringing and my now life. Many friends, family, even books advise to “Keep some for yourself” in which it meant – emotionally, spiritually, financially. And although my senses lean towards grasping on that advice, I simply don’t. Ralph’s departure only made me realize how I have given so much of my life to him and how our lives have been deeply intertwined in a little over two years. This forced and temporary separation leaves me feeling debilitated, crippled. It is as if I am Adam, who remains fully awake while God takes out one of his rib bones exposing my thoracic insides and even my rhythmless heart. It is simply that painful. Our weekend trip to Germany and Belgium answered why this part in me changed – Ralph, makes me feel alive without inflicting pain. My being, feeling and my strength does not necessarily have to be drawn out of extreme agony or emotional throes anymore, but of love and living loved. Moments spent with him – laughing at each other’s imperfections, surprise hugs, gentle kisses, holding hands – that’s when Ifeel the most. So though I know I will survive these few months, I know I will never survive life without him – not again, not ever.
If I used to be that type of girl whose life emerges better without any emotional attachments to some guy, I am not that anymore. At times, I feel a clash coming between my upbringing and my now life. Many friends, family, even books advise to “Keep some for yourself” in which it meant – emotionally, spiritually, financially. And although my senses lean towards grasping on that advice, I simply don’t. Ralph’s departure only made me realize how I have given so much of my life to him and how our lives have been deeply intertwined in a little over two years. This forced and temporary separation leaves me feeling debilitated, crippled. It is as if I am Adam, who remains fully awake while God takes out one of his rib bones exposing my thoracic insides and even my rhythmless heart. It is simply that painful. Our weekend trip to Germany and Belgium answered why this part in me changed – Ralph, makes me feel alive without inflicting pain. My being, feeling and my strength does not necessarily have to be drawn out of extreme agony or emotional throes anymore, but of love and living loved. Moments spent with him – laughing at each other’s imperfections, surprise hugs, gentle kisses, holding hands – that’s when Ifeel the most. So though I know I will survive these few months, I know I will never survive life without him – not again, not ever.
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